I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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