So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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