I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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