Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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