Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize