some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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