im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
