ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
