ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
