I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
