kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
