The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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