You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
