Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She announced her abortion via fbk
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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