Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
