i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
