Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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