Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
