I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
