The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
