Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
barbara walters just said penis...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
