A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
