There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
