Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
