Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
