I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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