i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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