Betty ford says i'm here all night
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
