His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
