Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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