Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
