he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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