i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Pants are for mortals
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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