Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
