I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
