I need to stop coming to work sober
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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