my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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