Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
where are you?
Hypothermia
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize