i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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