Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
