3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
