If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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