dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
