you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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