Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Randomize