I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
