Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
