How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I supernannyed him into submission
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
