I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
