my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
