I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize