Your dad touched me again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
