This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
