She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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