I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
