Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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