checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize