I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
