Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
