I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize