i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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